If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
