i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
