Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
