His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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