if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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