cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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