Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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