How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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