I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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