I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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