True but thats because hes a fetus.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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