We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
