ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
