I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
