Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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