Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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