she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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