I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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