here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We left an ass print on the piano.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
