Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
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These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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