I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
