I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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