Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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