Need sex. Gaining weight.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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