Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
