Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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