I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
