How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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