Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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