STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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