I'm so fucking centered right now
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
