these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Is it because I queefed?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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