i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
third nipple confirmed
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
