I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
