So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
