I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
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Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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