u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
