Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
