when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
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I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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