im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
two words...techno handjob
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
