Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
