I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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