bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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