it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
