tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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