We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
