I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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