Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
