i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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