It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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