I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.