people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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