So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw