Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
