He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
