she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
