thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
