that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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