I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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