Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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