someone threw a dead crab at me
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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